I talked to Kevin Hester today and it really smoothed some things out for me. It was great, because I've been so lost lately. I don't know what God has planned, but I feel it unfolding, as Emerson would say like "a vegetable bud". Something brilliant is on the horizon, my premonition just tells me so. It's inexplicable...so much has happened so far. I've grown so much since "the end" of it all. I'm in between admitting that it might have been worth it, and denying that life without him could ever be better. Better? No...this really is all just different.

I think about all I've gained. Autumn...what about Autumn? If I hadn't had Autumn, I'd never have Nathan J. or Georgia or John Palmer or Meg and Shannon. I wouldn't have all of my girls if this hadn't happened: Loren and Sunni and Kaylee Ray, I wouldn't have Nathan S. I wouldn't have...this new piece of myself that I never had before. For all the things I lost...I gained. But oh...his hands. Could anything ever take their place?

No...

I wish I could have had both. But I couldn't...

I can't...

Would I go back? If I could choose to undo it all...if I could choose to give up what I have now for what I had then...

Would I?

No...for one reason and one alone. The people I have in my life now...won't leave. And he left. So, I can't look at what I had...because the truth is...I don't have it anymore (in actuality I never had it to begin with or he'd be here). All the promises that felt good meant nothing-the "forever love" wasn't forever. Everything fell through. It was just a pop up house waiting to collapse. But this...this is real.