Yesterday, I drove around for three hours in my city. I downloaded Lady A's new album in celebration of the CMA's and I felt Tennessee for the first time in forever. This time last year, I listened to them all the time with Thomas. I think it's interesting how they've put something new out in this "re-birth" of my life. It sounds like a re-birth.
I love "Cold as Stone". It's so fitting. That's how I feel. I always feel so tender-hearted. Everything hurts.


"Wish I was cold as stone-
Then I wouldn't feel a thing.
Wish I didn't have this heart,
Then I wouldn't know the sting of the rain.
I could stand strong and still-
Watching you walk away.
I wouldn't hurt like this,
Or feel so all alone...
I wish I was cold as stone."


I dropped by the Barns and Noble at Vandy. I was sad the second I walked in. Thomas always hated Borders, but the truth is...I hate the new store. It's cold. There's an entire corner sectioned off for E-books. That was the same corner Dickinson's work used to be in. Everything changes. It's almost as if, not only do I not get to finish my book, I'm having pages ripped out, God's redacting the story...everything is marked out and written over...perhaps his goal is to erase my memories too. It wouldn't be the worst thing. Sometimes I wish he would take that whole fragment of time out of my life so I wouldn't hurt.

The truth is, he gave me Nashville once...and when I got into that relationship, for awhile I helped Thomas love it. But he was never happy, and then I was never happy here. It wasn't his fault...but he was always preparing to leave. And I wanted to leave. I even considered going backwards and moving back home. God gave me this blessing, and I spit on it. Now, I feel the city alive again...while I'm devastated...at the same time, I'm grateful. When Thomas left my life, I was given Nashville again.
He was obviously given what he needed too! He has friends now. He seems happy. I'm sad he never had friends when we were together...because I think that would have made our relationship better. I wanted to have friends so bad! I wish I could have made him happy. But if losing me was what it took to bring him the true joy he was always searching for, I'm glad it happened. I'm sad I couldn't give him what he was searching for...but ultimately, I've come to understand that's not my job. Leaving him behind is what makes him happy. So that's what I'm doing.

This week has been really hard. I've cried a lot at the drop of a hat for no real reason, my journal is coming apart at the seams...my painting is coming along well. That's what I do. I don't really eat anymore. I've lost fifteen pounds. I don't have the stomach for eating. But I suppose my system has detoxed, because my skin...is finally perfect. Isn't it funny how the things we chase constantly allude us? I used to strive for outward beauty and nothing was ever good enough. Now, I strive for peace...and all the things I avidly chased were given to me. I regret wasting so much time griping about my appearance and hating myself when I could have been investing in my relationship. I think Thomas will always hate me for that. But I'm okay with myself. I forgive myself. I was imperfect...and at times completely terrible. But I loved, I loved with every bit of me, that was the problem...I loved too much, and i didn't want to share. If that wasn't good enough for him...he doesn't deserve me. And that's the truth.

Lau said to pray it away...pray the anger and the sorrow away when it comes and sits on my chest. I need to start asking for reasons why. She said that the second she started asking for reasons why it happened, God started revealing things. I tried that in the beginning because I wanted to be angry enough to be over it so badly. When I did though, all the things I found out were gray. Nothing was black and white. What is cheating? What is "talking"? What is "just friends"? Where is the line, and where is it blurred and was it crossed? There was so much. Everything hurt. But I'm ready now...I'm ready to just wash my hands of it. Lau said it's the remedy...it will make me fall out of love. I must.



Nathan J. Bond said something great...he said "Love = Effort, if someone leaves you they don't love you. Love doesn't end. We don't just quit...we don't just stop working at it. It doesn't fail."


I agree. I wish I could have fallen out of love as easy as he did.


But again like Elizabeth Gilbert says


"This is a good sign, having a broken heart-it means we tried for something..."