A Confession:

Now, I see the unhealthiness of it all, and it wasn't what I would have chosen. I'll never believe we were defected or that all of this was intended to be the fate we came to. I believe-I'll always believe we were meant to be.

We took a wrong turn somewhere, and I'm not sure where spats turned into arguments and arguments turned into the civil war. I'm not sure where water became toxic and we were out for blood every day. I'll never believe it was supposed to end up that way. I don't believe we were bad for each-other. I will never believe that. It was...a course of actions, that were taken...it was...words that were never meant to be said.

If you hadn't-

And I hadn't-

We'd still be just as in love as we ever were. And I believe we were. I say a lot of things in anger to destroy what we had in my own mind so it doesn't hurt so badly that I lost it. But the truth is, what we had was exactly what I wanted. It was when it became what I never wanted that I couldn't adapt to it. I don't feel like that is my fault. But I suppose it's not yours either. It's the nature of the beast...it's the contamination of sin, the blackness of sorrow...the dagger of truth.

If I could go back to last October, I'd do everything different.

If only I'd known then, what I know now.

I wish I had respected myself. I wish I had loved myself more than to constantly complain about my body and my inadequacies, I wish I would have been as secure as I am now. I wish I could have seen myself for what I really was; I wish I'd realized my sufficiency was in Christ, and that I was whole...and I think, everything could have been different. I wish I had been older and wiser...I wish I had been more patient. I wish I would have talked less and listened more.

I can't blame you for anything you did. I wasn't the best. I wasn't desirable, because I was so broken. In my new lessons, I am sad. I fight looking backward all the time. I can't go there. I often wonder...if I could, would I? If I could choose you again; if I could do it over...would I?

Yes.

You're still the only one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

But I know that can't be. And I've made myself content with it. I cry sometimes, but it's a small casualty when you've lost your soulmate.

I stay progressive so I can run right out the door

Without looking your way,

I flee yesterday

Or attempt to before it ensnares me.

I'm starting to spend less time wallowing and more time working.

If we can truly choose our own paths...I hate that ours ended.

But it ended. It will never be again.

Thinking about it is exhausting.

You quit me.

But I forgive you.

I suppose now, that's all I can do-

Because I can't control time.

But if I were wishing...

I'd request to rewind it.

I'd give anything to feel you again.